Turnings that make Circles.

It was a beautiful then. Like two lines we intersected. Running together, as one. You and me. We and Us. It was the beautiful Us. We smiled without compulsion. The other, everything ever needed. Loneliness, was just a thought. Complete Strangers, now. Like parallel lines we run, Never to entwine again. Faded to Me and I, You and Them. Loneliness, the only reality. By. Michelle Ali Khan. }}choti_goth.

That hurt. She used to be a friend of the worlds. Denounced. When it would rain, she would think of you. She would think of you, when it wouldn't be raining. Didn't need anything to miss you for. Now, its not so same. She doesn't think of you anymore. She takes a pill and falls asleep. She smokes, turns her head up, looks at God. Forced smile, tormenting. Notices the smoke and its shaking booty. Watches it evaporate. Disappear, somewhere. Somethings just disappear, why doesnt my love for you? *Do you miss me? i hear you say you do. But not the way I am missing you" Swimming in deep salt water. Could be the sea or her own tears. Laughter and happiness, a thought. Distracted, she goes near the AC. It's cool. Latent vaporization of the sweat, makes her shiver. The chilled air, blows through her hair. Soft because of the extra conditioning, falling on her face. She lets them be there. She wants to be Numb. No. She doesn't Know. She doesn't know. (This is very r...

Lets. Let me find a highly elevated cliff. Sharp and steep, a direct ninety degree. We'll hold hands, if you like, run as fast as we can. If our ankles get sprained, we'll still run. Run, though continuous impulses will be sent from the site to our brain. Adrenaline secretion, fast and natural. Neither Fight or flight, this will be just a fall. A trip, downwards. Screaming till our larynx burst open, to the point where sound is no more the action to our sentiments, but silence is. A pathway to feel. Alive. When the water will slap our bodies, our bodies will slap it back. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction, said Newton. Feeling the cold water, deeper than our skins, making us shiver. We might just suffer from hypothermia, but you can swim away to the shore if you like. Or. Stay around in the freezing water, suffer from hypothermia and hold our breath, deep in the water. Hold it longer than survival. Till we are forced to give up, till we collapse. Become unconsciou...

She held her breath, longer than she could. Maybe she didn't want to breathe, but these damned involuntary actions. Have to breathe. In and Out. Inhale, Exhale. Twisted taste of fate, brought to such torment, distress. A desire to be belonged, yet, not allowed to. Where did those Indian movie songs go? " Jub pyaar kia to darna kia ? Pyaar kia , koi chori nahi ki ." Still, treated like a theft has been committed. The guilt, the fear and simultaneously, the need. And when the crime has been done, the regret, the i am sorry, the please forgive me. The hurt, the tears, the sadness. And the new addition of a vast,abysmal void. That no one will be as important as them. No one, will take that person's place. No one. The feeling of being home, belonged, loved, shattered. All at once, the noise of silence loud. Echoing in memory and the future.. Supreme tyranny; entirely self created. Your gone. Nothing hushes that feeling, the sentiments, the grief. "Ting", ...

Listen. Listen to the silence that echos words unsaid. Can you hear it? A distance that there was. Still existing. Maybe, Someday, you will see me in your eyes, that worthy. Maybe, your eyes can meet mine, without, getting sick. Maybe, i can push my hand against your lush black hair. Move my hand, over your face. Just touching the bones of your forehead, the bridge of your nose, the softness of your lips and the skin of your chin, with the tip of my finger. Outlining, the beautiful you. "Even if you can't see me, you can feel me." How can it ? That you don't see how much i love you? I saw you today. Five months later. Exactly the same, to my memory of you. Just as gorgeous. Fabulous black hair, an unopposed radiant smile. The eyes, now, have lack of sleep-bags. The eyes, that carry the disappointment, the betrayal, by someone you called your own. Pain, that only you would understand. The shine in your eyes, that hides all of, You. Portraying a figure, who your not. Ma...

Somewhere between want and need, i want to see you. See the smile shining, see the sun reflect from your skin. Your hair gleaming darker, than their actual colour. Those colgate teeth, white and perfect. Somewhere in between, abstract and concrete, I miss you.

29 Th November, 2005. 6:55 am. "Hey, i love you." "I love you more. Are you on your way to pick him up?" "Yeah, i am on my way. I am sorry i woke you up, but i had to hear your voice." "That's fine, baby. I was sleeping on the sofa. Are you dressed warm enough?" "Don't worry, i am fine. It's raining and its cold, very cold. Listen" "How can i not worry? Bolo ." "Go back to sleep, please. I love you." "I love you. Will you put me to sleep?" "I can't jaan ,i am nearing the airport." "Okay, then I'm going to go to my room. Tell me what he gets for you okay? Stay safe." " Theek hai . Take care. Allah Hafiz." "Allah Hafiz ." She remembers the details of that day, vividly. The weather, the rain drops of the early morning, November Rain. The feeling that was carried by the special three words. The moment, that you think, is going to last you a life ti...

Pages that need to be ripped and thrown away. Things that need a serious, single thought and more importantly, the need to be forgotten, so that they don't linger, like a translucent shadow. Disappointment, that sinks into the eyes, leaving them grim and dull. Diffusing into the pore of the skin, marking distinct black bags, an exact imitation to the ones you get due to lack of sleep. His eyes, i imagine. The soft area under the eyes, wrinkled, dark, similar to black. After sometime, you do forget. Forgotten. Before, you know it, your going through a suitcase that has all your documents, reminiscing. Pondering over what ahd happened. Although, laughing in retrospect is not a crime. No doubt, time makes the 100 ton stone on your heart, when you first see it, to now a less weight of maybe 50 tons. Yet, your head aches with questions. Eternal regret. If i have the urge to cry, let me. If i want to give myself a million gashes for who i have become, don't question my doings. For hu...

He remembered it so clearly, that while telling the story, he started crying. A middle aged man, crying because of a mistake made in 1988. A simple, strike of anger, like everyone does. A bite, bitten so hard, that even the veins that existed beneath his skin were dented. "It was 1988. Leaving pindi and moving to the States. I was sad, but so excited. My parents were so proud because, i never studied and i still got accepted into a university abroad. I was at the air-port, and mama was there too. She was like all mothers. Stuffing things into the bag at the last moment. "Tumharay pass kuch kum na ho jai." She was trying to put a sweater into my bag, that she had knitted for me." He took a deep sigh. Crystal Regret. A deep pothole marked in his words. "In those days, i used to smoke, and my cigarettes were in that bag and i didn't want her to see them and get angry at me. What i do is. I pulled the bag from the straps of the bag, snatching it, hurting her. T...

I don't know what it was, maybe a dream, a reality altered to a moment of happiness? Maybe it was just a good dream. "Hello, do you miss me? I hear you say you do, but not the way i am missing you. Whats new?" She didn't remember this line. The friend sang it. The friend missed her. It was like returning home, after years of fighting in the war. She wished she could remember this line. She spent the whole night, listening to the song, so that she never forgets this line. Never. Comfort, in their perfect silence. Eyes' closed, back rested, hearing the other's breath; its a boon. To know the other is okay. She misses you,too. In fact, she loves you too. She hopes it rains. So she could hold the friend's hand. Peace would overwhelm her mind, that's at constant war. Decimated parts of her heart would heal. They sang together, like they used to. Although, the other would lag behind cause of the 2 second delay of the cables. Like two birds chirping early in ...

So much to say, so much can be said. A strong desire to just not help them. A more virulent urge to just give up. It's i think the night-before-result-depression. Probably. I actually want to simply runaway and hide. Run to where? This is home, house, my chaar deewari. But things don't get any worse. I sweeped my house today, gave a jarhoo. I am tired. When did writing, with extreme expression become a problem. I used to be a below average English student, with zilch vocabulary, I didn't know what vendors meant till 9Th grade. Now,i just want to be writing for .. , to make proud. To make them smile, so that they know, its by their inspiration that i became this. Make sense? Tomorrow's a big day, 60 people will be coming to my house. I'd want to just somehow ignore their presence, hence thank God to ipods. No, I can't completely truncate them. I will have to serve them, look pretty, wear those clothes that had to be dry cleaned but never really got them, laziness...

"This is why we were friends, i told her, because when we met, you grabbed hold of my life and then, in exchange, offered me your own" -- The Myth of You and Me by Leah Stewart. It doesn't take too long for one to let hold of anothers' life. It takes, a little longer than imagined to let go of it. The friend and her sat in class together. Trying to study, maybe. She was disturbing the class thoroughly, cause that's all that mattered at that moment, maybe. Maybe not. The friend pulled her leg close. She tried to pull it back. "It's mine." "Is not, i think its attached to my body" "Too bad, its mine, deal with it." Grinning, she let her leg be close to the friend's. In fact, they both smiled at each other, meaningful. Smiled like they meant it. The gaze broken, when the teacher called out to her. Nervously, yet witty, she answered the teacher, causing an up roar of laughter in class again. Unknowingly, she pulled up her sleeve,...

And that's that. I think it's the time that i bid farewell to our grandiose friendship. =) Sorry, i had an urge to say that, for no rhyme or reason. To Farewells. "A nd we sat there thinking, we would know each other forever ." - Sleepers. It seems like the end of the world. When your everything is leaving, when you begin to feel them fade. Its devastating. Fate. *shakes head in vulnerability* Its strange, how it all begins. I sometimes can't even remember how we became friend's, my two best friends. Today, was when i realised how much i missed hanging out with you guys, how it's comfortable being around you two. To say the most random things without any consequence, without the fear of it being exploded to the entire world, for it to be gossiped at. To be loud and not to worry about being weirded out by people. Its the most amazing thing in this world. Today, i also realised, that none of us will actually be together for eternity. Sometime soon, we will b...

I could, I could, I could. I could, almost, literally, no almost die for a smoke. Open the red and white coloured packet by taking the plastic off. Pulling out the foil like substance. One cigarette out, tapping it slowly upside down, for the tabacco to be equally divided. Medium length, more white, and then the yellowish brown with white polka dots, the butt. Clicking the lighter, a flame stands out. What magic it is. You burn the cigarette. Inhale. Take it into your lungs, and then exhale, with some smoke out of it. You watch the smoke collide with the air particles. It dangles, like a belly dancer's ass. Inhale. Exhale. Feel the pressure being removed from your head. Light headedness. Bliss. Inhale. Exhale.

It was the time when her dad had meningitis ,on his death bed he was. She being a 15 year old teenager, didn't understand, the intensity of the situation. She wanted to attend a concert. Her family said, no, you should spend time with your dad. She at that moment hated her family, her dad the most. It wasn't fair. She was ready, already purchased her ticket. Her friends were waiting outside, yet they said no. She cried and she cried. Salt water ran down her cheeks. She locked her bathroom, sat in her cupboard and wailed louder. Till someone knocked on her bathroom door and said she had a call from a friend. Taking the cordless , her quivering sound said, hello. It was her acquaintance, becoming best friend on the line. She spoke to her friend, promising and lying that she is okay. Her friend told her not to cry. She told her friend, with a running nose, sniffling, cracking up voice, i am not crying. To make her laugh, the friend mimicked her. Her friend make her laugh, yet cry...

It rained a beautiful rain. The cumulonimbus clouds, the finely formulated drops of water. Tip tapped my head, like a person touching my head. I looked up, it felt surreal. I think i missed you. I think i missed you a little more than usual. No, i dont think i did. I think thats imagination. It was so good to see him. To have him say, oh michelle i missed you too. I felt loved. I loved how we sang those songs, like old times. Oh i love you. I wish you didn't have to go so soon, gudoo mamu. ...