Turnings that make Circles.

My this week's obsession word is Perhaps. Perhaps, Lovers turn to Strangers and Strangers turn into Lawyers and Doctors and Dentists. Perhaps, my head ache, is not lack of sleep, but stress. Perhaps, i do really love you. Perhaps, this is not a game. Perhaps I  want to go out for a fancy dinner, but i am not a food person. Perhaps, you still think thoughts, which you try not to think. Perhaps, I am a coward. Perhaps i am as sickening as it seems. Perhaps, I do tell the real story. Perhaps, God doesn't know me. Perhaps, i need to sleep. Perhaps, my body would stop shaking and stop being paranoid about earthquakes. Perhaps, my blog makes me insane. Perhaps, the stage horn in front of me is not really purple but its pink. Perhaps, i have a gene for O positive blood. Perhaps, its not sickening to pursue  a profession; considering the amount it costs. Perhaps, I do know how much it takes out of them to give me such a chance. Perhaps, I'm hungry. Perhaps. Perhaps, I'll miss...

She lay awake in her distorted room. Cartons, empty, full and half full of books, discarded in the corner. Bed that should be next to the window, is in the middle of the room, diagonally put. Room still needs to be painted ocean turquoise. Staring at her cell phone, as though waiting for a call. Waiting to be able to hear a voice, that will help her across the river, that will let the blood flow, with the force that it is supposed to. That will let her breathe in peace.  Dismayed, she put her cell phone to one side and turned her back to it. Thinking of how life is unpredictable, how red can turn to black, she falls asleep crying. Her phone vibrates, once and then twice. She opens her eyes, feeling of knowing who it could be fills her. It's as though the Stranger is linked to her in some telepathic way; like a mother's intuition tells her when her child is lying. She stretches her hand and picks up the call without looking at the number.  "Hello" That's all he nee...

No. No No. This is what i want. But.  I don't want to kill you for this. I want to hold my chest and cry and cry. Shouldn't I be happy? Perhaps, its not in my ability to be able to do it. And i should turn it down. I can handle this. Can i?   Gather yourself up. You. Will. Stay. Shut. You. Will. Handle this on your own. You will. Handle that too, on your own.  Will i? WILL I?

There's a man filling the square shaped hole in the wall with bricks and cement; from where the air conditioner has been removed to be replaced by a split. From sky, sad blue walls her room will be ocean turquoise, finally a new colour. She sits in the corner of her room, wondering of how her favourite city roads were broken and changed, altering her memory of them. Thinking, if the wall colours are changed, will everything, that has been left, the little bit, would it also change.  Taking a deep sigh, she gets up and pulls the carton of books out, from under the study table. She has to sort these books out, she won't need them anymore. Her room needs to be cleaned before the painters paint the walls with new colour, with new pain.  There is a sudden urge to look through each note book, through each text book.  Notebooks, that have pieces of her past written, that she can't forget, even after trying. They have love of the rarest kind marked all over it; hand written message...

Who is to tell you the truth? My truth? That i am again, existing between the parallel lines. That I'm mingled in your life and i want to be part of everything. Every moment you wake up, so i can see those lips. Every time you sleep, i want to be around, so i know your okay, breathing. Breathing not too fast and not to slow. In your fragrance i want to drown, suffocate. Choke and die. In your arms, soft and loving, i want to be. Holding me, till eternity. Who is to tell you. That its you, i want to be surrounded by. Not the people, not friends, but You. That a moment without you, is a taste of silence and death. That, by hearing your voice, i can be a million things, all that you want me to be. Who is to tell you. That i am ready to spend the rest of my life, waking up next to you. Anywhere, in any way you're ready to keep me. That i would want to go to the beaches with you. In a country like Greece we'll stay, loving and observing sea shells, oysters and crabs that are san...

Do you know, how many times i think of you in a day or even in a second? Not all is pretentious, I miss you and I do love you.  My heart is crumbling. That silence, the sarcasm, those words that tell me you don't care. I'm breaking too. You always said you could read my eyes.  Stare into them and tell me what you find? Tell me if you find, love for someone else. Tell me if you really believe that I don't care. And I'm afraid. That you'll look into my eyes and tell me that you really do believe that i don't care. That you really think i am in love with someone else. That these words will torture me, slowly and painfully, to death. There is so much i need to say, i want to say. I'm tongue tied, afraid of not knowing what might hurt you next. Agreed, my behaviour is callous. But Damn this world and the people. I wish you knew. I wish you knew, that i too have grown tired. That i too have been through a fall, maybe not even comparably as deep as yours, but i hav...

I finally gained some weight. I'm back to being 44 kgs . In Ramazan , i lost way too much weight. I was 40 kgs . The rants and the scoldings I've had to hear from siblings and mother. Today I had a class at twelve. But i woke up at eight. Yesterday night, every part of me seemed to ache. Seemed to miss a Stranger's alacrity, which turned to pure silence. It has been my fault, i know it. I woke up at eight, to go to the gym, my haven. There is something about over exerting yourself there. It's therapy, like driving. Putting ipod head phones to each ear, a flat screen in front of you. You choose Fashion TV as the channel you want to watch. Treadmill on incline 6 and speed 6.  There is something about jogging instead of walking and running instead of jogging. If your stamina allows thirty minutes nonstop, I did forty five. When you get off, the calf muscles aching, slight tremors resulting in instability. It seems like your still in motion, even though your at a halt. The...

Burning chest pains. So much for the head ache. It was replaced by silence, that too causing a catastrophe. I sometimes wonder, when this sadness will subside with happiness? You know it so well. You know exactly how each and every word of yours will hurt. Don't you know ? The chest cavity feels heavy and full. It hurts your heart, not metaphorically but in real. Your heart under the pressure of hurt. It 'causes something to rise up in your throat. In vain efforts, you try to swallow it. It rises up more fiercely. Watering your eyes. Drip drip, tears fall.  You don't howl, but your chest is waiting for its release. Shaking your head in defiance, you wait patiently for it come to a halt. It doesn't. The hollow, un-hollow grows deeper and deeper. Till there is nothing left for it confine it in.  You Break. Lets all applause for the silence, that keeps breaking us. Me. You. Them.

Words make sentences but I don't feel like making sentences. I want to dance with words. Swirling them and twirling myself around them, a never ending moving circle we would be. Whirling words and humans. Whirling Dervishes. My head is hurting. My legs are giving away to gravity. I think I can't stand up properly, if I do, I Will fall. I've smashed my face into the ground at least thrice. It never hurt then. You were always there to hold me in your arms, let my head rest on your neck. You knew you were my only hope. Letting me inhale your scent, my love, my hope. Dammit. I'm Sorry. Really. Just come back. It's been long. I am sorry. My skin bares marks of my past, each and everyone howling the pain inflicted on you. Reminding me, of all the times I've fucked up. I'm going home now. It's my break for half an hour. I don't feel too well. My head aches. My sturdy legs, seem hesitant. I'm letting the darkness in. Encompassing me and I will not show r...

Drumming is the most beautiful art. I wish to be a drummer. Yes, I'm sort of, partially ditching the fun fair at the moment. I checked my dentistry result. I got a 63%. Not enough for me to get in. So yeah. I wonder why i am at the fun fair. I am getting darker in the sun. Urgh. Yes, i have colour issues, i belong by blood to the sub continent and you can never take it out of my system. I am waiting for Ami's call, cause i need to tell her that i passed and that i don't think i am getting in. Plus i am getting a hang of this Software Engineering. Waiting. Not for Ami. Waiting at the fun fair. My body is acting in a manner of waiting. Waiting, desperately, hoping to find a face, that I've NEEDED to see in so long. I miss your hair. Your brightly lit eyes. My hope. Why aren't you coming. I don't think you even know, there's a funfair. My heart is sobbing. Let me hold you. Hold me and " set me Free ". Going back now. To my captivation. To my steel ch...

I learnt a very valuable lesson today. I left half of Physics yesterday. Half Blank. Today, I gave a very interesting stare at my Calculus question paper. Smiled and drew hearts on every question number. Got up and Left. Fully Blank, didn't even bother writing question number one on my answer sheet. So, what i learnt was that, half filled papers are much better than those left completely. Completely numb. Utter lack of emotion. Does that make me callous? Or does that just makes me numb? I try spending most of my time away from here. I am helping my sister with her work. It feels good. Just sitting next to her, talking aimlessly, mindlessly about stuff that doesn't matter. She'll be gone soon and that makes me very sad. Very. Want some butter scotch candy? K didn't show up to school. We had made a cake for him. I even bought a card. I never buy cards for anyone ekh . K, has a broken ankle. :( I hope he gets better. Now, i really don't have anybody to look forward to...

I am after all in the university, wasting the forty five minutes that i have. I am doing this, because my life has no other meaning. Blog. My friends they are still giving a paper that i left half blank. Blank. I feel blank or maybe i feel numb. Or maybe i dont feel anything at all. I think i feel all of these. Heh! Pretty stupid, doncha think. I deactivated my facebook. I hadn't used it in over a week, anyway. I'm shutting this blog down soon. I wrote an entire blog for it, which is on my usb, that i didn't bring here. I forgot. Adil, is giving me too much sarcasm . It's K's birthday tomorrow. I am not getting him anything. Tomorrow is a Fun Fair. Yay. How exciting. It's going to be Disgustingly Hot. Ekh . *rolls Eyes* I don't think there will be anyone that i'll be looking forward to meet. Tomorrow is my CALCULUS EXAM. CALCULUS. Man. Numbers, they are just weird figures to me. An Eight is a Snow man. Nine is One boob on a woman. Ten is Guli Danda. HA...

She kept reading that book till 2.30 am. The fan turning round and round on UPS, otherwise no electricity. She finally thought, she must sleep. Making a note in her mind, "Alarm at nine. Leaving for Peshawar at ten am." She wakes up its 4am. A slick film of sweat is formed at the back of her long, thin neck. Eyes heavy and droopy with sleep. Yawning from time to time, still desperate for some sleep, knowing she won't be able to get some. Pulsating pain, near the Medulla Oblogonta region. A loud roar like thunder, that makes your glass windows tremble. A thought. You. Are you okay? Sure, you are. You were never scared of thunders, I was. A shiver travels down her spine, as the sweat evaporates. The pain becomes more concentrated. Fear and trying to be brave, running parallel, though fear dominates. The thought becomes concentrated. Memories, pour down on you, like this thunder's rain. Too many. Too beautiful.  And the unrestless - ness begins. Promising, no sleep for...

Blurred vision, I try observing the depths of the unwinding roads and the blinding street lamps. This place, this City I live in, makes me feel I have Multiple Personality Disorder or some disease that is closely related.  This City, is two people to me. Two minds, two hearts, twenty fingers and twenty toes. It is two people, for whom I have paradoxical emotions for. Love and Hate. Not hate, but dislike. The City changed, to Two different people, within Three years and Two months. I loved the narrower roads that led to my house. The single road. People crossing my house in two different directions, on the same road. I loved the traffic lights without the timers. These timers make me feel impatient, like the red will never turn yellow and green. I loved those roads we drove through together; hand in hand  or arms around the waist. Those roads that had our memories etched upon. They destroyed and made new roads. They deserted me off my physical link to them. I used to love them. What hav...

Blog. I don't like you anymore. I feel like destroying each and every shred that i have created out of you. Out of me. To be reliable upon you. In fact, i think, i loathe you, absolutely. Maybe i should decimate your entire existence. Each and every post, each and every word written on you.  I  Fucking Hate You. Hahahahahah. I might sound insane. I think. I need a new blog. Yes i will make a new blog. I'm done with this one. I think .

There is so much shouting, but all a new kind of silence. So much silence. M is silently crying over her daughter, whose about to leave home and make a new home. M is silently crying for coming back, because she thinks it is the biggest mistake of her life. A is silently crying, because she doesn't want to leave. D is silently weeping, because he just doesn't know, what to do. M is silently crying, because she feels the pain of the four. The Fantastic Four. I love you. You love me. We are a happy family . With a great big hug and kiss from me to you.Won't you say you loveee me too?

I have managed to delete about 11 of my old posts.  Some which i liked. I'm going away, to Far Far And Further Away land. There will be me and some adrenaline pumping rides. Music, too good for ears. Food? No ick. There will be Candies and Candies and Candies and Candies. There will be our old gaming centre, Gridlock. There will be Mohaa. A state of constant war and killings. Lots of objective missions and there will be ^Dejaa Vu^, Smacky, Loop, Black Raven, Fiz(one-man-army), Trooper, Nitro, Wolf ]-[eart, Agent [x], Afridii and me, }}|||choti_goth. Where we converse in swears. Have our own little language, H e's in the room, he's in the room . He killed me, he's on the bridge Choti, cover kar yaar. You know, i think i'll end up deleting this post too, after sometime, if not now. I'm so tempted to take a sleeping pill tonight, to sleep. Otherwise i won't end up sleeping. No, i don't majorly suffer from insomnia anymore. I just. Don't feel like being ...

Ladies and Gentlemen. The Lord has calmed the storm in my head. It's late and i have an exam tomorrow. I think I am depressed 'cause i haven't showered since, well, Eid. Wow. That's long, but i dont stink or anything, otherwise my mom would've told me. It's a good thing for deos. Well since my exam is on introduction to computers, my friend tells me i should write :  "to the answer of every question write like 10101010011100001101001010101011001 and fill paragraphs full of it and when they ask you what it is say you wrote it in binary and it got to your head while you were studying"   If only i could actually do it.  OMG, my actual topic was Rain, and now its stopped and i've deviated from the topic way further than i thought i could! So. I want losts of rain. I want lightening. I want you. I want music. I want Dance. I want jays. I want vodka. And i've quit, all of these, but what strange things temptations can make you do. Tomorrow, i will ha...

It nearly seems like years since I last wrote. Caught up in the world of you and me.  I love love love you. Then why do I always end up hurting you? Why do my callous words, pour out in streams; one blow after the other? I am sorry. I will make amends. Things will get better. I will make you happy. I will give you a reason to love me back. I will try.

Sub ko khushiyan naseeb hoon, and i hope that everyone had an amazing day, Better than all the Eid's before. Even though i hate eid, there is something about it, that makes me optimistic about the entire day. Even if i am being nasal and singing a high note in my purposely, annoying, screechy vocals, my mom would tell my sister off, it's Eid, let her be happy. The Eid routine: wake up early, say the Salams, get the eidees from dad and make small talk, and then back to bed. Today, wasn't like every other Eid. This year, it was different. It made me miss someone, excessively; to the point of bringing me to tears. So lets say we did our yearly eid ritual, to the point of small talk, and then, brilliant I, come up with a plan of watching old videos, on a cassette player. And there he was. Somebody whose existence I've tried denying. Someone, who i loved, and now can't be sure of agreeing to it. A person, who i just want to erase from every memory, because the consequenc...